It has changed throughout the years, but it has always remained a part of my identity. It has actually been the one factor that I have the most control over. Despite all my “never again” moments, it was always my choice.
As huge of a fan that I am, there is a major problem with these games. As we began to age, there is an increase in the dissociation of self caused by them. From what began with being participants in costumes, and continued to masking our wishes behind dolls and action figures, we are now merely tapping a button. Simulations have become a double-edged sword. On one end, now more than ever, we are truly allowed to transport ourselves into another life without making any adjustments; however, in this transportation, we miss our stop, forgetting that in this instance, the journey is not the destination.
Perhaps it is best that we are not entirely different from everyone else. To go back to Ruldolph – yes he was different, and he was a hero, but he “wasn’t allowed to join any reindeer games” until he proved that his differences made him valuable. The truth of the matter is, in a society that praises individuality, we simultaneously frown upon it.
I loved him, that much I knew. But it was never my place to do so, he was never mine, I was never his, nor were we ever anything. This knowledge did not prevent it from occurring, instead false hope seduced me into a trance that I was unable to resist. There was this aura around him that enticed me through the years, even when I was committed to someone else. I didn’t posses love for him yet, but I would after I ended my previous relationship. But this isn’t a love story, not in any shape or form. For how could love exist if it was only imagined? At the same time, how could it be imagined if I knew it was real, and became so hard to over come? But once again, this is not a love story.